Who is Stuart Jacobson?

Tittie Bars And Beer

VISITING OBAMA’S HOME

November 17th, 2008 admin

Obama’s House @ 5046 S. Greenwood Ave.

In last Friday’s Sun-Times I read a story about Obama’s barber and his new found celebrity. So that afternoon I decided to go see the home of our new president and meet the barber at his Hyde Park hair salon.

Obama’s house is only 30 minutes from mine. I didn’t know his exact address – I only knew that he lived across the street from a Jewish synagogue. As I got off on 53rd and went east, I stopped in a used record store to get directions. I didn’t want to sound like a stalker or tourist, so I asked for directions to the Temple. Jews can do that and nobody gets suspicious.

Once I got around the barricades, by foot, the secret service instructed me and other gawkers to only walk on the other side of the street (away from the house) and not stop, or be arrested.

The stately home sits on the corner of Hyde Park Avenue and South Greenwood. Nice house - but what’s more worthy-of-note is the empty lot next door that felon Tony Rezko sold him.

Obama’s Hair Stylist

My next stop was to 5234 S. Blackstone to meet Obama’s hair stylist. I pulled up, walked in and introduced myself to Zariff, the now famous hair cutter. Nice guy and rightfully a bit full of himself. He handed me a 4 color business card showing him cutting Obama’s hair.

Sondra

I’ve got an idea – how about a sitcom starring Zariff and Joe the Plumber. About two guys meeting in rehab after becoming millionaires for being at the right place at the right time.

As I was leaving, the salons masseuse was coming in.

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MORE ABOUT THE SEX OLYMPICS

November 13th, 2008 admin

After writing that piece about being hired to emcee this summer’s Sex Olympics, I was asked, “What the fuck does an emcee do?”

I talk a lot. For fund raisers I’m hired to talk on a wireless microphone from the time the first person arrives until the last person leaves. It’s the only way to remind people what they’re there for. At corporate events the same thing – Keep it lively, interactive and motivating.

Emceeing the Sex Olympics will be a lot like emceeing the Midwest Amateur Porn Search; which I’ve emceed the past 3 summers.

I’ll arrive, brush my teeth, brush my hair, plug in my wireless and away I go… I’ll walk the grounds interviewing everyone. I’ll ask the women to flash their breasts for all the gawkers with camera phones. You’d be surprised how many do - for a T-Shirt they’ll never wear. And their boyfriends love it!

And who are the people attending? WEEKEND “FREE THINKERS!” During the week they’re stressed out doctors, teachers, Moms, Dads, Sons, Daughters, plumbers, cops, secretaries, bank tellers, machinists and soccer Moms. In their little free time after work, they’re searching the internet for “secret lifestyle” gatherings. The sexier the gathering the more people attend.

I’ll keep you posted what “secret gatherings” are coming up.

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YOU’RE DOING WHAT?

November 11th, 2008 admin

With the economy tanking and more and more young ladies being fired from their full time jobs, many tittie bars around the country are experiencing a surge of promising new strippers looking for work. While an ailing economy brings fewer customers to local strip clubs, it often will bring out more women willing to give pole dancing a try.

And that is what happened to Michelle. She’s 29 year old and eight weeks ago fired from her accounting job. With a condo, a mortgage, property taxes, college loans, car payments, health club membership, utilities, food, clothing, entertainment, and her addiction to red wine, it was urgent Michelle find work.

I jokingly suggested becoming a stripper. After all, all summer long emceeing biker shows, I’ve gotten to know strippers earning potential - and it’s a lot more than being an accountant.

So Michelle called a strip club sixty miles away from her downtown condo. Most adult entertainers work as independent contractors, meaning they pay club owners a fee to perform and then keep the money they earn from tips and private dances. Because it doesn’t cost club owners extra cash to take on new dancers, club managers lose nothing by adding more women to their dance roster.

Michelle called me today. She just celebrated one month at her new job. She’s still uneasy that she’ll run into someone she knows - but she’s taking home more money than ever before. And it’s cash! None of her friends know she’s dancing naked to support her lifestyle and she’s turned on by the secret. She said she’ll dance 6 more months and then look for another accounting job.

Yea right! That’s as likely as my friend Mal never complaining about his soon-to-be wife Sharron.

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I’VE BEEN ASKED TO EMCEE THE SEX OLYMPICS

November 10th, 2008 admin

What makes my life as an emcee unusual is that I don’t know where the next phone call will take me - Like a couple of weeks ago when I was hired to emcee a Halloween Costume Contest for dogs. One hundred furry creatures and their owners smugly walked down a red carpet as I admiringly commented on their outfits, as if I was commenting about Angeline Jolie at the Oscars.

Or last Friday when I received a call asking if I could emcee a Mash Potato Dance Contest for a potato distributor dressed up in a French fry costume. I’ve already entertained crowds as Kendall the Crab and Percy the Snowman, so being a French fry is a piece of cake.

But yesterdays call was certainly the most intriguing. It was from my good friend Marv, owner of NCN (No Clothing Necessary) campground in Black River Falls, Wisconsin. Marv is one of America’s great promoters of alternative lifestyle events. His campground is the home to the Midwest Amateur Porn Search and S.P.A.N.K (Sensual Pleasures and Naughty Kink).

Marv is bringing to America the first-of-its-kind, “SEX OLYMPICS.” That’s right folks – BOBSLEDDING IS OUT AND CUNNILINGUS IS IN….…Couples will competitively engage in sex games while being judged by a panel of professional voyeurs. And I have been asked to emcee this extraordinary event.

I haven’t told my wife yet, but I’m thinking it’s much less dangerous telling her I’m dressing up as a French fry.

*For anyone living in the Chicagoland area, my Friday’s blog appears in today’s Chicago Sun Times - in the editorial section.

**And If you’re unsure how to do the Mash Potato, watch the accompanying video.

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I’M BACK

November 7th, 2008 admin

First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate Barack Obama.

Although my guy McCain didn’t come close to having enough electoral votes to close the deal, I’m excited with Obama. Though I don’t agree with him on many of his governing views, I do agree with him on his optimism and vision of America.

Hundreds of years from now people will be in awe wondering what it was like to have witnessed this momentous accomplishment - much like wondering what it was like being alive during other historical events that have made this country great.

Like living through the Declaration of Independence declaring that the thirteen American colonies were no longer part of the British Empire. Or sipping coffee the morning Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation declaring the freedom of all slaves. Electing Obama our first black president is as important as any of these past events - and I was alive to witness it.

Now that it’s over and we’re about to begin fresh, let’s all make up and hug. I’m happy to be back!

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