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MORE ABOUT THE SEX OLYMPICS

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

After writing that piece about being hired to emcee this summer’s Sex Olympics, I was asked, “What the fuck does an emcee do?”

I talk a lot. For fund raisers I’m hired to talk on a wireless microphone from the time the first person arrives until the last person leaves. It’s the only way to remind people what they’re there for. At corporate events the same thing – Keep it lively, interactive and motivating.

Emceeing the Sex Olympics will be a lot like emceeing the Midwest Amateur Porn Search; which I’ve emceed the past 3 summers.

I’ll arrive, brush my teeth, brush my hair, plug in my wireless and away I go… I’ll walk the grounds interviewing everyone. I’ll ask the women to flash their breasts for all the gawkers with camera phones. You’d be surprised how many do - for a T-Shirt they’ll never wear. And their boyfriends love it!

And who are the people attending? WEEKEND “FREE THINKERS!” During the week they’re stressed out doctors, teachers, Moms, Dads, Sons, Daughters, plumbers, cops, secretaries, bank tellers, machinists and soccer Moms. In their little free time after work, they’re searching the internet for “secret lifestyle” gatherings. The sexier the gathering the more people attend.

I’ll keep you posted what “secret gatherings” are coming up.

Tags: Sex Olympics

Posted in Humor, Sex | 5 Comments »

YOU’RE DOING WHAT?

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

With the economy tanking and more and more young ladies being fired from their full time jobs, many tittie bars around the country are experiencing a surge of promising new strippers looking for work. While an ailing economy brings fewer customers to local strip clubs, it often will bring out more women willing to give pole dancing a try.

And that is what happened to Michelle. She’s 29 year old and eight weeks ago fired from her accounting job. With a condo, a mortgage, property taxes, college loans, car payments, health club membership, utilities, food, clothing, entertainment, and her addiction to red wine, it was urgent Michelle find work.

I jokingly suggested becoming a stripper. After all, all summer long emceeing biker shows, I’ve gotten to know strippers earning potential - and it’s a lot more than being an accountant.

So Michelle called a strip club sixty miles away from her downtown condo. Most adult entertainers work as independent contractors, meaning they pay club owners a fee to perform and then keep the money they earn from tips and private dances. Because it doesn’t cost club owners extra cash to take on new dancers, club managers lose nothing by adding more women to their dance roster.

Michelle called me today. She just celebrated one month at her new job. She’s still uneasy that she’ll run into someone she knows - but she’s taking home more money than ever before. And it’s cash! None of her friends know she’s dancing naked to support her lifestyle and she’s turned on by the secret. She said she’ll dance 6 more months and then look for another accounting job.

Yea right! That’s as likely as my friend Mal never complaining about his soon-to-be wife Sharron.

Tags: Strip clubs, strippers

Posted in Humor, Sex | 10 Comments »

I’VE BEEN ASKED TO EMCEE THE SEX OLYMPICS

Monday, November 10th, 2008

What makes my life as an emcee unusual is that I don’t know where the next phone call will take me - Like a couple of weeks ago when I was hired to emcee a Halloween Costume Contest for dogs. One hundred furry creatures and their owners smugly walked down a red carpet as I admiringly commented on their outfits, as if I was commenting about Angeline Jolie at the Oscars.

Or last Friday when I received a call asking if I could emcee a Mash Potato Dance Contest for a potato distributor dressed up in a French fry costume. I’ve already entertained crowds as Kendall the Crab and Percy the Snowman, so being a French fry is a piece of cake.

But yesterdays call was certainly the most intriguing. It was from my good friend Marv, owner of NCN (No Clothing Necessary) campground in Black River Falls, Wisconsin. Marv is one of America’s great promoters of alternative lifestyle events. His campground is the home to the Midwest Amateur Porn Search and S.P.A.N.K (Sensual Pleasures and Naughty Kink).

Marv is bringing to America the first-of-its-kind, “SEX OLYMPICS.” That’s right folks – BOBSLEDDING IS OUT AND CUNNILINGUS IS IN….…Couples will competitively engage in sex games while being judged by a panel of professional voyeurs. And I have been asked to emcee this extraordinary event.

I haven’t told my wife yet, but I’m thinking it’s much less dangerous telling her I’m dressing up as a French fry.

*For anyone living in the Chicagoland area, my Friday’s blog appears in today’s Chicago Sun Times - in the editorial section.

**And If you’re unsure how to do the Mash Potato, watch the accompanying video.

Tags: Olympics

Posted in Humor, Sex | 9 Comments »

WHO CHEATS MORE – MEN OR WOMEN?

Monday, October 20th, 2008

There’s a questionnaire being mailed to married couples asking you to take an online survey about INFIDELITY.

The CCS (Center for Cheating Spouses) is an independent research foundation studying the sexual habits of married couples. This information is then scrutinized, evaluated, and discussed by a group of 8 guys and 3 women who’ll be laughing their asses off at your very serious answers. Then it’ll be published in some pretentious journal that is only read by lonely dudes who play with themselves reading journal articles about sexual studies. Then this data will disappear until someone else wastes our tax dollars on the same study.

It’s a no-brainer! Women cheat more than men. Its uncomplicated statistics – 95% of married men would cheat if they had the opportunity too. But they don’t! So 5% of married men get all the pussy. On the other hand, all married women have the opportunity to cheat from the 5% of married men that have been blessed with the skills to get away with it.

Being part of that 95%, I think we need to spread the wealth.

That’s My Wife Giving Fred Head

Tags: cheating

Posted in Humor, Politics, Sex | 2 Comments »

I’M NOW A “SWINGERS ADVICE COLUMNIST”

Monday, October 13th, 2008

COME BACK TOMORROW TO SEE FRONT

I received an email from Melissa requesting my opinions. I find that flattering and will do my best to answer your questions. Today I will start with the first of several she is asking.

“Why does it excite someone to watch their partner have sex with someone else?”

If you believe in God Melissa, you may as well thank him because you can’t change “Gods Plan.” It’s the macrobiotic wiring he installed in us at fertilization.

What’s interesting is how God decides who gets what. Like which baby boy God will give the “Balding Gene” too. Or which baby girl will grow up with perfectly shaped breasts. Or the more important tools God hands out at conception, like who’ll get the penis the size of John Holmes and who’ll suffer humiliation having a dick the size of Danny Bonaduce.

You may not think of God’s ability that way, but for most of us who believe in God, he is the architect. Not Carl Rove!

So back to your question Melissa – It’s hard to explain why some men and women enjoy watching their partner with someone else. I’ve asked that question many times when emceeing swinger’s conventions and it’s always the same answer, “IT TURNS ME ON!” No other answer required.

But here’s what I know for sure Melissa - if you’re thinking about having sex with someone other than your husband while he watches, be certain to thank God when it’s over.

The Almighty likes to hear back from us, often - Especially if you’re benefiting from his plan.

I wish I had that kind of power. I would have never created Barney Frank.

Tags: barney Frank

Posted in Humor, Sex, Swingers | 8 Comments »