Who is Stuart Jacobson?

Tittie Bars And Beer

Politics

VISITING OBAMA’S HOME

Monday, November 17th, 2008

Obama’s House @ 5046 S. Greenwood Ave.

In last Friday’s Sun-Times I read a story about Obama’s barber and his new found celebrity. So that afternoon I decided to go see the home of our new president and meet the barber at his Hyde Park hair salon.

Obama’s house is only 30 minutes from mine. I didn’t know his exact address – I only knew that he lived across the street from a Jewish synagogue. As I got off on 53rd and went east, I stopped in a used record store to get directions. I didn’t want to sound like a stalker or tourist, so I asked for directions to the Temple. Jews can do that and nobody gets suspicious.

Once I got around the barricades, by foot, the secret service instructed me and other gawkers to only walk on the other side of the street (away from the house) and not stop, or be arrested.

The stately home sits on the corner of Hyde Park Avenue and South Greenwood. Nice house - but what’s more worthy-of-note is the empty lot next door that felon Tony Rezko sold him.

Obama’s Hair Stylist

My next stop was to 5234 S. Blackstone to meet Obama’s hair stylist. I pulled up, walked in and introduced myself to Zariff, the now famous hair cutter. Nice guy and rightfully a bit full of himself. He handed me a 4 color business card showing him cutting Obama’s hair.

Sondra

I’ve got an idea – how about a sitcom starring Zariff and Joe the Plumber. About two guys meeting in rehab after becoming millionaires for being at the right place at the right time.

As I was leaving, the salons masseuse was coming in.

Tags: Barack Obama

Posted in Humor, Politics | 11 Comments »

I’M BACK

Friday, November 7th, 2008

First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate Barack Obama.

Although my guy McCain didn’t come close to having enough electoral votes to close the deal, I’m excited with Obama. Though I don’t agree with him on many of his governing views, I do agree with him on his optimism and vision of America.

Hundreds of years from now people will be in awe wondering what it was like to have witnessed this momentous accomplishment - much like wondering what it was like being alive during other historical events that have made this country great.

Like living through the Declaration of Independence declaring that the thirteen American colonies were no longer part of the British Empire. Or sipping coffee the morning Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation declaring the freedom of all slaves. Electing Obama our first black president is as important as any of these past events - and I was alive to witness it.

Now that it’s over and we’re about to begin fresh, let’s all make up and hug. I’m happy to be back!

Tags: Election, Obama

Posted in Humor, Politics | 6 Comments »

WHO CHEATS MORE – MEN OR WOMEN?

Monday, October 20th, 2008

There’s a questionnaire being mailed to married couples asking you to take an online survey about INFIDELITY.

The CCS (Center for Cheating Spouses) is an independent research foundation studying the sexual habits of married couples. This information is then scrutinized, evaluated, and discussed by a group of 8 guys and 3 women who’ll be laughing their asses off at your very serious answers. Then it’ll be published in some pretentious journal that is only read by lonely dudes who play with themselves reading journal articles about sexual studies. Then this data will disappear until someone else wastes our tax dollars on the same study.

It’s a no-brainer! Women cheat more than men. Its uncomplicated statistics – 95% of married men would cheat if they had the opportunity too. But they don’t! So 5% of married men get all the pussy. On the other hand, all married women have the opportunity to cheat from the 5% of married men that have been blessed with the skills to get away with it.

Being part of that 95%, I think we need to spread the wealth.

That’s My Wife Giving Fred Head

Tags: cheating

Posted in Humor, Politics, Sex | 2 Comments »

Can It Get Any Scarier?

Friday, October 17th, 2008

Liberal Hollywood would like us to think that celebrities are more in touch with the average American.

Here are the facts –

• 72% of celebrities are high school dropouts.
• 89% of celebrities that went on to college dropped out.
• Only 7% went to a university.
• 77% of celebrities have been arrested for a felony.
• 65% spent time in rehabs for drugs or alcohol.
• 87% of celebrities vote Democratic.

The chutzpeh that these loudmouth boorish celebrities think that they are more in touch with Americans -

And here are a few of Obama’s celebrity supporters that will have an open invitation to hang out, stay overnight, and binge in the White House kitchen.

Oprah, Barbara Streisand, Michael Moore, Oliver Stone, Alec Baldwin, Paris Hilton, Madonna, Rosie O’Donnell, Ted Danson, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsey Lohan, Scarlett Johansson, Richard Dreyfus George Clooney, Will Smith, Chevy Chase, Larry David, Rob Reiner, Jessica Biel, Usher, Barry Manilow, Jerry Springer, Sally Field, 50 Cent, Jay Z, Leo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg, Candace Bergen, Ivanka Trump, Babyface, Mat Daman, Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters.

In a Senator Obama presidency, the White House will replace the Playboy Mansion as the place for celebrities to be seen.

I don’t know about you, but I’m scared that if a crisis call rings at 3AM – Chris Rock will answer it.

Posted in Hollywood, Humor, Politics | 7 Comments »

Take My Money, Please!

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

Future Bank Teller

As a sociologist and humorist, I enjoy new trends that slip into our consciousness without realizing it.

For the past year I’ve been going to my bank and unthinkingly became aware of something extraordinary. All the old and unattractive tellers are being replaced with young and sexy bank associates.

I never paid much attention to this clever marketing makeover until yesterday. As I was standing in line, waiting to make a deposit, I found myself excitedly waiting to see which hot babe would take my money.

This is a sociological observation I wanted to share with you.

Posted in Humor, Politics | 7 Comments »