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I’m Fired Up

Monday, January 5th, 2009

So you’re probably wondering where the fuck I’ve been for the past month or so.

I’ve been busy writing a new 50 minute musical stand-up show which I hope will keep me busy in 2009. As usual, it’s an ‘adults only’ show. If I could only stop saying fuck, pussy, and titties, maybe I would be invited to open for the Jonas Brothers. I’ll also be premiering my new hit single, “Being a Lesbian Rocks” which I wrote for my good friends Tina and Kim. If you’re having a party at your home, boat, country club, festival grounds, or wherever, don’t hesitate to call. Remember, it’s an ’18 & Over’ show.

I’ve also been busy re-writing my very funny screenplay, “Lifestyle.” If you think that movies are made overnight, you probably think that Rosie O’Donnell is a woman. I’m feeling the sanguinity that 2009 will be the year my screenplay is discovered and soon after made into a movie.

I spent time in Miami Beach where I read, “The Devil in the White City.” Drank tequila sunrises in South Beach. Walked around Worth Ave in Palm Beach. And had a great salad in Hollywood Beach. Flew back home to a broken pipe that flooded my basement. There was so much fucking water it looked like a beach.

On New Year’s Eve I partied in the historical Keith Mansion on Prairie Avenue in the South Loop. One hundred and fifty people jumping up and down like angry Muslims to the bouncy music of DJ Billy D. He rocked the house for six straight hours. I was honored to have led the countdown at midnight. One hundred and fifty drunks counting down from 10 is an arithmetic teacher’s nightmare.

And finally to the woman of a friend who is happily separating from her husband. Congratulations! You are now free to delve into the world of anything you want; including fetishes and swinging. It’s adios to daily boredom and bonjour to born to be wild. More success to follow.

I’d also like to welcome our new President-elect to Washington. I’m sure his neighbors in Hyde Park are fucking happy he’s leaving. Now the neighborhood can function like one and not like a Hollywood movie set.

Wishing you all a FABULOUS YEAR and hope to see or meet all of you soon.

Posted in Humor | 5 Comments »

A FUNNY STORY SENT TO ME!

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The
3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off in a few minutes.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers said they would settle for $2 million if they were given recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on 2 million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi and Max on the controls.

Now you know.

Posted in Humor | 7 Comments »

Wishing You ALL -

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

To all my good friends, strippers, fetish enthusiasts, swingers, bikers, and family!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Posted in Humor | No Comments »

MY COUSIN MICKEY

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Last Saturday evening I went to see comedian Susie Essman (Curb Your Enthusiasm) in concert. It was like being at the Rascal House in Miami Beach at 5PM.

But the highlight was running into my cousin Mickey and his wife Ellen. Mickey was my childhood inspiration. A couple years older and the James Dean of the family. I copied a lot of Mick’s shameless behavior and got punished a lot for trying to be like him.

But what I respect most about Mickey is that he’s amazingly quick with a funny line that perfectly fits in the conversation. it’s an extraordinary skill to be comical; and not obnoxious.

So as we were driving home, I said to my wife, “If Mickey wasn’t in the collection business he’d be a great emcee at swinger’s parties.” He’s got lots of energy. He’s cute in a Jewish kind of way. He’s extremely likable. And he and Ellen love playing games with other couples. Unfortunately for Mickey, it’s Charades and not Blow Job Musical Chairs.

Now I know Mick is probably reading this and thinking of a way to tell Ellen that he’s giving up collections to go on the road with swingers.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that happens.

Posted in Humor, Swingers | 5 Comments »

Dear Ford, GM, and Chrysler,

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

I hope the government doesn’t bail out your hopeless ass. You’re in this horrible mess because you’re brain dead. You don’t give a driving fuck what we want. You’re only interested in bonuses and hookers.

If I was the CEO of the “FESTERING THREE,” I’d send an apology letter to every Ford, GM, and Chrysler owner for selling them overpriced and inferior automobiles. I’d demand that the union be eradicated. I would hire Victoria Secret models to encourage workers to come back to work with better benefits. Like having a job! Anyone wanting to strike for more money than the rest of the American workers earn, will be run over with a Toyota.

I would bring back TRUST. No more salesmen saying, “I’m already below cost, but I’ll sell it to you anyway,” bullshit! I’d manufacture cars that look like Jessica Alba, not Rosie O’Donnell. They’d be smaller, sleeker, curvier, and come in the same colors as the IPod. I would demand that all executive bonuses be given back immediately or face the death penalty.

And finally, to stimulate sales I would demand that the government wave sales tax and financing charges on all new cars for the next 6 months.

After I save the auto industry, I’ll need a couple weeks at Hedonism, and then I’ll be ready to save the airlines.

Yours truly,
Stuart

Posted in Automobiles, Humor | 7 Comments »