Who is Stuart Jacobson?

Tittie Bars And Beer

« VISITING OBAMA’S HOME MY COUSIN MICKEY »

Dear Ford, GM, and Chrysler,

I hope the government doesn’t bail out your hopeless ass. You’re in this horrible mess because you’re brain dead. You don’t give a driving fuck what we want. You’re only interested in bonuses and hookers.

If I was the CEO of the “FESTERING THREE,” I’d send an apology letter to every Ford, GM, and Chrysler owner for selling them overpriced and inferior automobiles. I’d demand that the union be eradicated. I would hire Victoria Secret models to encourage workers to come back to work with better benefits. Like having a job! Anyone wanting to strike for more money than the rest of the American workers earn, will be run over with a Toyota.

I would bring back TRUST. No more salesmen saying, “I’m already below cost, but I’ll sell it to you anyway,” bullshit! I’d manufacture cars that look like Jessica Alba, not Rosie O’Donnell. They’d be smaller, sleeker, curvier, and come in the same colors as the IPod. I would demand that all executive bonuses be given back immediately or face the death penalty.

And finally, to stimulate sales I would demand that the government wave sales tax and financing charges on all new cars for the next 6 months.

After I save the auto industry, I’ll need a couple weeks at Hedonism, and then I’ll be ready to save the airlines.

Yours truly,
Stuart

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 at 9:08 am and is filed under Automobiles, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

7 Responses to “Dear Ford, GM, and Chrysler,”

1. Kevin the Car Salesman Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 9:20 am

   I agree with your assesment. I sold cars for 8 years and we’re pressured to sell sell sell. That’s why we lie lie lie. it’s a horrible industry. As for the hookers you are correct. At every car show I’ve worked there’s always hookers hanging out knowing these car executives will spend money for a quick blow job. I hope the gov’t doesn’t help the auto makers.

2. Katie Griese Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 9:47 am

   I agree with you SJ. I drive a Honda and would never buy American again unless they came up with better looking and more fuel efficient cars. Just copy the Japanese.

3. IPhuckGood Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 10:00 am

   I would just be happy with sticking to the fair trade agreement, we import far more than we export hence more money going overseas than coming in. We need to keep US money inside the US. I would keep Ford, GM and Chrysler afloat under a Chapter 11 restructing plan. Drop the dead weight product and streamline with the popular, fuel efficient models. If we lose the Auto Industry, the trickle down effect would be devastating to the Steel, Glass, Plastic, Rubber and Electronics industry. We already have so many unemployed that this shutdown would heavily strain an already over burdened welfare system.

   Phucker

4. Sammi Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 10:16 am

   Holy shit IPhuck, you are quite the economic intellect. I agree with you. We must bail out these crooks but under smarter terms. Get rid of all management and start all over.

5. alottafagina Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 10:32 am

   hey S.J., AHEM SWEETHEART, Not EVERYONE could afford a MERCEDES. LOL

   And yes, jussssssssssssssssssssst what we need is more people out of work! Not cool, and sad. The trickle effect even killed our car detailing business’.
   I think everyone that lives in America should somehow support America and its products..(well some anyway). Why see this great country go down?!

   I hope everyone is doing well!! and STUART, you are one of the biggest salesman I KNOW. (but nice) Isn’t everyone out to make a buck?

   A.F.
   

6. DJBillyDe Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 11:12 am

   I agree with you too Phucker. Its insane what is going on. We are feeling the slow down here at work as well, Banks, The City of Chicago and orders from Government are way down. Citigroup is laying off more than 50 thousand people. DHL Closed shop in the U.S. so I know all about the fringe companies that deal with the major companies, I own one

   Billy

   I linked my company to my name

7. alottafagina Says:
   November 18th, 2008 at 11:18 am

   I also heard that Macy’s and the Gap are about to go BK too..

   D

Leave a Reply

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website