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Archive for August, 2008

Why They’re Holding Up 2 Fingers

Friday, August 29th, 2008

Here is what I like most about Labor Day weekend. For 2 days in a row, Sunday and Monday, there is no mail delivered to my home. No credit card bills and no 0% credit card offers. This is one of the only weekends I feel absolute freedom from all the banks in America.

God Bless and have a safe holiday. I’ll be returning Tuesday to tell you all about the “Midwest Amateur Porn Search” that I’ll be emceeing.

Posted in Humor | 14 Comments »

Will Chelsea Run for Office?

Thursday, August 28th, 2008

I should be getting ready to leave town tomorrow but I’m glued to the boob-tube watching the DNC. I love the excitement and the hype and Hillary’s pumpkin orange pant suit.

Lat night I was impressed by Bill’s heroic plea to elect Barack. And not only is Joe Biden a capable vice president but if elected he will bring back the perfectly starched white shirt.

But what I find myself not getting enough of is Chelsea Clinton. That babe has an odd sex appeal that keeps me wanting to see more of her.

Chelsea, if you’re reading this, I will be emceeing the “Midwest Amateur Porn Search” this weekend in Black River Falls, Wisconsin. Why not stop by and say hello –

Your dad would be proud that you’re following in his footsteps.

Tags: Chelsea Clinton

Posted in Humor, Politics | 8 Comments »

Pissing Away the Presidency!

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

Last night, as I anxiously waited to see which pant suit Hillary  would be wearing, I was reminded by one of my Democratic friends that Obama ain’t that smart.

My buddy Tony is a successful sales manager working for a Fortune 500 company. He told me, “If I turned away a salesman that could bring to the company 18 million in sales, I would be fired faster than I could pull out my dick to take a piss. (Tony is a pretty funny guy)

Think about it! Barack insultingly pissed away the most powerful democratic that can help him get elected.

Only because he wanted to wear the pants in the White House!

Tags: Hillary Clinton

Posted in Humor, Politics | 8 Comments »

Why is Hollywood Liberal?

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

If I was asked by the DNC who not to invite to Denver this week it would be the overpaid, loud-mouth Hollywood celebrities.

What drives these spoiled stars to back liberal candidates? WORK! Hollywood is run by liberals and if you’re an actor, writer, or director who wants to thrive in the land of goofiness, you better make it known that you’re liberal and not voting for anyone who hasn’t smoked marijuana.

I know many Hollywood celebrities and most of them don’t care if you have enough money to buy your kid a band-aid for a bruised knee. But they will loudly call a conservative self-centered and stupid – Why?

So Steven Spielberg will maybe cast them in his next movie.

Tags: Democratic National Convention

Posted in Humor, Politics | 9 Comments »

WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND

Monday, August 25th, 2008

Friday – My wife and I went to a birthday party for a very good friend who is gay. It was there that I witnessed my first male striptease for a roomful of men. It’s certainly not the same watching men drink body shots off of another man’s naked body as it is watching men drink body shots off of a naked woman’s body. So I disappeared into the corner and ate pizza.

Saturday – I emceed the “Carmichael’s Classic Car Show” in Chicago’s West Loop. Several beautiful women working for Canadian Club polished my shoes while I sipped a CC and ginger ale and smoked a cigar.

Sunday – I emceed the Chicago Lymphomathon 5K walk/run on Chicago’s lakefront. This was my fifth year emceeing this fundraiser and I hope they invite me back every year until they find a cure for Lymphoma.

I’M OVERWORKED AND NEED A VACATION!

Posted in Humor | 4 Comments »