Who is Stuart Jacobson?

Tittie Bars And Beer

ODD GENIUS

July 3rd, 2009 frozenlips

I never gave a lot of thought to Michael Jackson until now. Death by insanity can do that! But the media is cramming it down our throat….And this time I’m enjoying it.

Jackson was a musical gift. No matter how many times you listen to the Jackson 5 or his solo stuff, it’s good shit.  And watching him do the moonwalk for the 10 thousandth time never gets dull.

That’s why I would put MJ right up there with Elvis, McCartney & Lennon and Bob Dylan, as one of the top 4 musical influences in the past 60 years. And if you don’t like my choices, write your own fucking blog.

And one final thought. I never bought into Jackson being a pedophile. He was peculiar, odd, out-of-the-ordinary and weird -

There’s no such thing as a ‘NORMAL GENIUS.’

 

 

 

 

 

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SMART Bitches

July 2nd, 2009 frozenlips

Sanford’s wife forgives Mark… Clinton’s wife forgives Bill… Spitzer’s wife forgives Eliot.

And the “I FORGIVE” wife list goes on and on. Why? Because these SMART ladies know what their sleazy husbands are doing. They even know that one day their husbands are going to get busted. This group isn’t trailer trash or Wal-Mart intelligent. These wife’s are lawyers and professionals AND they are fucking SMART.

These women don’t even like being home with their know-it-all husbands. They only stay with their  savvy slimy  spouses for power and money. 

In other words, these SMART bitches are not walking away.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting back to see whose next.

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I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN

April 15th, 2009 frozenlips

Let me begin by saying my wife and I are NOT swingers. I’m an entertainer who SOMETIMES gets booked performing at swingers clubs, fetish festivals and biker shows.

With that said, I have another SWINGER’S gig May 1st in Madison, WI…..This will be my 3rd booking in 3 months entertaining swinger’s in Madison.

I’m always asked the same question when I get back from these gigs. “Can I go with you?” You don’t need me to go……Take your PARTNER and go! But most folks think their partner will freak if they bring up the subject of SWINGING. I doubt they’d freak since most marriages need a jump start.

What’s great about SWINGER’S parties other than the obvious is knowing that these parties are no different than the parties Hef throws at the Playboy Mansion… that’s because the PLAYBOY MANSION is nothing more than a swinger’s club.

In fact, here’s a bit of history you may not know. The original Playboy Club located at 1340 State Parkway in Chicago had a plaque affixed above their doorbell that read, IF YOU DON’T SWING, DON’T RING.

Are you wondering why I’m proud to be an American? Because today, AMERICANS  across the country stood up to the government by organizing a peaceful protest against governments wasteful spending. I only wish I was out there holding up a sign and showing my support.

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Confession of a FACEBOOK addict

April 14th, 2009 frozenlips

I am so damn INDOLENT when it comes to writing this blog. Indolent means “LAZY” but I refuse to call myself lazy. Indolent sounds less lazy. The fact of the matter is I’ve been busy working on my COMEDY show every Monday at Carmichaels Steak House in the West Loop. It’s me and 3 other acts doing standup in a fabulously cozy room off the center of this delicious Steak House.

My good friend DJ Billy D is providing music and sound but this Monday he’ll be getting up on stage and doing 5 minutes of comedy. Well, we’ll let the audience be the judge of that.

I’ve also been BUSY networking on FACEBOOK and being a lawful and accepted voyeur.

And now I’m a FACEBOOK addict. All day long I’m thinking about what I’m going to write in that fucking little rectangular box. And what’s worse is that I say my name every time BEFORE - what I’m thinking to write. Stuart Jacobson is blah blah blah. Stuart Jacobson is blah blah blah. Stuart Jacobson is blah blah blah. Stuart Jacobson is blah blah blah. I must repeat my name 400 times a day.

It’s gotten so bad that I use to think about how much money I have. Now it’s how many friends I have. Yesterday I told Marina that we lost several thousands of dollars in the stock market; BUT I have 3 new friends. She slammed the door in my face.

Meanwhile, the North Koreans are aiming a missile at us knowing we’re all to busy on FACEBOOK to care about them.

I got to go….I’m yearning with an idea what I’m going too write in my box.

“Stuart Jacobson says, “If you marry for money you’ll be BROKE..If you marry for looks you’ll be FAT..and if you marry for love you’ll be DIVORCED.”

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Don’t You Bail Out the Automakers

March 28th, 2009 frozenlips

So you’re probably wondering where the FUCK I’ve been for the past month or two. A lot lazy and to be HONEST – It’s not easy writing a blog every day. I kind of burnt out…. But I’m back with vengeance.

Where do I begin?

I’m pissed that our government is bailing out worthless companies that don’t give a flying crap about anyone except themselves. Have you ever had a good car buying experience? I haven’t! These car companies bully, lie and steal every last penny you have. And when the warranty is up…..they rip you off for more money. And now I have to save their FUCKING asses….Let them go FUCKING UNDER!!!! I’ll ride a horse to work. If Abe Lincoln did it…so can Stuart Jacobson.

I wonder if they sell a horse and buggy with air conditioning, satellite radio and a coffee cup holder.

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Monday’s In April

March 26th, 2009 frozenlips

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Why The Divorce Rate Is So High

February 23rd, 2009 frozenlips

Here is the simple truth about relationships and why the divorce rate is so high.

Relationship statistics tell us nothing more than percentages that mean absolutely nothing. Statistics solve zilch and in most studies the percentages reported are dreadfully inaccurate or distorted.

With that said I will throw out a statistic that is relevant to ones happiness.

It is reported that the divorce rate in America is 50% and growing. Add another 20% that are thinking about divorce but haven’t told their partner, another 18% that are unhappily married but content to remain married for the sake of the kids, another 6% that are bored with their marriage but scared to walk away, and that brings the total to 6% of couples who are excited to wake up next to each other with  morning breath.

And why is that? Because we’re not the same person we were when we met our partner. This is called “EVOLUTION OF THE SEXES.”

How many times have you heard, “he or she is not the same person I married ten years ago?” Of course not! Neither is the menu at McDonalds.

In the last seven years I have sociologically studied relationships. I’ve talked to thousands of couples from all over the country.

My scientific study wasn’t interested in knowing if couples were HAPPY or MISERABLE,  but what could be changed to improve their marriage.

Since none of the  couples could agree  on ANYTHING -  I’ve come to the conclusion that NOTHING can be resolved between the sexes.

And that is why the divorce rate is so high.

 

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Stimulus to Screw the People

February 17th, 2009 frozenlips

I am so fucking upset with Obama’s rush to pass this reckless stimulus package that I am thinking of moving to the island of Panagia.

Does anyone remember Jimmy Carter’s approval ratings in his first month as president? 66%…the liberals loved him, until he fucked up the economy with a socialist agenda.

I predict that in 6 months Obama’s approval ratings will be the dress size of Jessica Simpsons - 22.

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There’s No Business Like Swinger’s Business

February 16th, 2009 frozenlips

I’ve been so busy with events that I neglected Tittie Bars and Beer.

This past week I emceed a corporate event for a securities company, a fundraiser for the Charles Tillmon Cornerstone Foundation, the opening of the Chicago Auto Show for Children’s Memorial Hospital, and this past weekend a SWINGER’S PARTY.

The A.S.S (Anonymous Swinger’s Society) hired me to emcee and entertain at their first ever Valentines hotel takeover party in Madison, Wisconsin. And what a party it was.

Hundreds of couples from all over the Midwest flocked to this undisclosed getaway at a family friendly hotel located at a dead end. It was shut-down to the public for two nights while hundreds of swinger’s celebrated Valentine’s Day.

Many exchanged partners! Some were having sex in swings. Others were shopping at the different vendors that were selling sex toys and erotic clothing. A lot were having parties in their rooms with new friends. But everyone was there because they shared the same interest. SEXXXXXXXXX!

It all started in the afternoon, in the hotel lounge, where everyone gathered to meet and greet. I hosted a few games, sang a few songs, gave out free stuff, and got the crowd wound up for the rest of the day.

Not once, this weekend, did the awful stimulus package get mentioned – but the infamous Sybian was talked about a lot.

It was such a success that A.S.S. has announced that another hotel takeover is scheduled for April 3rd and 4th.

And of course yours truly has been hired to come back.

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The Invisible Bikini Coming to a Store Near You

January 31st, 2009 frozenlips

Talk about lucky – I’ve got the greatest job in the world.

I’ll be emceeing an ‘Erotic Valentine’s Fashion Show’ on February 13 and 14th in Madison Wisconsin.

My grandparents who came here from Eastern Europe searching for happiness, jobs, and a good delicatessen would be so proud that I’m carrying on the family values that they worked so hard to teach my Mom and Dad.

My job is awesome! Maybe not as morally decent as  the 42nd President of the United States – but I thank God every day, that he selected me to make a living  talking into a microphone.

All the sexy clothing will be provided by my good friends at www.doubletakemicrowear.com, the creators of the Invisible Bikini and other sexy outfits.

That’s right folks, the invisible bikinis, sold in eight different colors, are the hottest bathing suits worn on the beaches in Ibiza by American college girls. That’s an important statistic for sociologists, and that’s why I know it.

Meanwhile back in Chicago, on February 11th, I’ll be emceeing a benefit for the Charles Tillman Cornerstone Foundation at the CA23 Project in Chicago’s West Loop. It’s Sold Out!

If you’re wondering what I’d be doing if not a professional emcee - I’d be a LOUNGE CHAIR BOY in Ibiza.

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WHAT NOT TO NAME A BAND

January 29th, 2009 frozenlips

One Rule – Don’t use your first name and then a group name for the other members; like “Josh & the Empty Pockets.” Horrible band name! It sounds like a bunch of spoiled Jewish teenagers that mix magic with show tunes.

If these band names worked, it would have been Paul & the Beatles and Mick and the Rolling Stones and Peter & the Who. But instead, a great Rock N’ Roll band, invents a great Rock N’ Roll name.

And furthermore, fans take to a band’s name! It describes their edginess! “Josh & the Empty Pockets” don’t sound edgy or adventurous or risky. They sound fruity.

I bring this up because my good friend, DJ Billy D is a friend of the band, and he’s trying to get me to go see them. He likes Josh, and thinks they’re a good band. And I’m sure they are. DJ Billy D has good taste.

But a Rock N’ Roll band - should have a GREAT Rock N’ Roll name - and “Josh & the Empty Pockets” don’t cut it. So I  have no desire to see them play.

I know Billy agrees with me about the name, but doesn’t want to hurt Josh’s feelings. So he doesn’t say anything.

Here’s my point – When a North Shore 50 year old woman leaves the house dressed like a slut, you wonder what was she thinking.

When you’re looking to see live Rock N’ Roll, and you go the music listings in the newspaper ,and you see a band’s name advertised, “Josh & the Empty Pockets,” you say to yourself, what was he thinking.

My top 3 favorite band names – the Dead Kennedys, the Nazi Punks, and Jay & the Americans.

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Somer Or Bummer

January 29th, 2009 frozenlips

This morning as I was running on the treadmill, at the health club, the Oprah show was on the TV monitor. Thank God I didn’t have my earpiece.

The blond guest looked familiar but I couldn’t place her. She kind of looked like the ugly sister of Suzanne Somers.

When I got home, I ran to the computer to see whose Oprah’s guest was today. Holy Bad Shit! It was Suzanne Somers.

Whoever destroyed her face should lose his medical license.

Looking like that, her new TV show could be called “No Company.”

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Don’t Be Mean

January 28th, 2009 frozenlips

Jessica Simpson is still sexy. She’s still beautiful. And I have no problem with the way she looks.

So lay off the fat chick.

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Stuff to Talk About at Super Bowl Parties

January 27th, 2009 frozenlips

A new study found that women find sex more satisfying with wealthy partners. In other words - the more money the more orgasms to fake.

Players share for Sunday’s Super Bowl — Winners: $78,000 per man. Losers: $40,000 per man.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.

The name “Super Bowl” was not used officially until the 3rd championship game in January 1969.

A man’s beard grows fastest when he thinks about sex.

There are no known videotapes of the first 2 Super Bowls in existence. The NFL has put a 1 million dollar bounty out for either of the tapes.

“Formicophilia” is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.

More food is consumed on Super Bowl Sunday than any other day of the year, other than Thanksgiving.

For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

Final Score - Cardinals 28 Steelers 17. I thinks that’s whose playing.

 

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Summer Lovin’

January 27th, 2009 frozenlips

For those of you who forgot what green grass looks like?

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