Who is Stuart Jacobson?

Tittie Bars And Beer

MY COUSIN MICKEY

November 19th, 2008 admin

Last Saturday evening I went to see comedian Susie Essman (Curb Your Enthusiasm) in concert. It was like being at the Rascal House in Miami Beach at 5PM.

But the highlight was running into my cousin Mickey and his wife Ellen. Mickey was my childhood inspiration. A couple years older and the James Dean of the family. I copied a lot of Mick’s shameless behavior and got punished a lot for trying to be like him.

But what I respect most about Mickey is that he’s amazingly quick with a funny line that perfectly fits in the conversation. it’s an extraordinary skill to be comical; and not obnoxious.

So as we were driving home, I said to my wife, “If Mickey wasn’t in the collection business he’d be a great emcee at swinger’s parties.” He’s got lots of energy. He’s cute in a Jewish kind of way. He’s extremely likable. And he and Ellen love playing games with other couples. Unfortunately for Mickey, it’s Charades and not Blow Job Musical Chairs.

Now I know Mick is probably reading this and thinking of a way to tell Ellen that he’s giving up collections to go on the road with swingers.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that happens.

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Dear Ford, GM, and Chrysler,

November 18th, 2008 admin

I hope the government doesn’t bail out your hopeless ass. You’re in this horrible mess because you’re brain dead. You don’t give a driving fuck what we want. You’re only interested in bonuses and hookers.

If I was the CEO of the “FESTERING THREE,” I’d send an apology letter to every Ford, GM, and Chrysler owner for selling them overpriced and inferior automobiles. I’d demand that the union be eradicated. I would hire Victoria Secret models to encourage workers to come back to work with better benefits. Like having a job! Anyone wanting to strike for more money than the rest of the American workers earn, will be run over with a Toyota.

I would bring back TRUST. No more salesmen saying, “I’m already below cost, but I’ll sell it to you anyway,” bullshit! I’d manufacture cars that look like Jessica Alba, not Rosie O’Donnell. They’d be smaller, sleeker, curvier, and come in the same colors as the IPod. I would demand that all executive bonuses be given back immediately or face the death penalty.

And finally, to stimulate sales I would demand that the government wave sales tax and financing charges on all new cars for the next 6 months.

After I save the auto industry, I’ll need a couple weeks at Hedonism, and then I’ll be ready to save the airlines.

Yours truly,
Stuart

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VISITING OBAMA’S HOME

November 17th, 2008 admin

Obama’s House @ 5046 S. Greenwood Ave.

In last Friday’s Sun-Times I read a story about Obama’s barber and his new found celebrity. So that afternoon I decided to go see the home of our new president and meet the barber at his Hyde Park hair salon.

Obama’s house is only 30 minutes from mine. I didn’t know his exact address – I only knew that he lived across the street from a Jewish synagogue. As I got off on 53rd and went east, I stopped in a used record store to get directions. I didn’t want to sound like a stalker or tourist, so I asked for directions to the Temple. Jews can do that and nobody gets suspicious.

Once I got around the barricades, by foot, the secret service instructed me and other gawkers to only walk on the other side of the street (away from the house) and not stop, or be arrested.

The stately home sits on the corner of Hyde Park Avenue and South Greenwood. Nice house - but what’s more worthy-of-note is the empty lot next door that felon Tony Rezko sold him.

Obama’s Hair Stylist

My next stop was to 5234 S. Blackstone to meet Obama’s hair stylist. I pulled up, walked in and introduced myself to Zariff, the now famous hair cutter. Nice guy and rightfully a bit full of himself. He handed me a 4 color business card showing him cutting Obama’s hair.

Sondra

I’ve got an idea – how about a sitcom starring Zariff and Joe the Plumber. About two guys meeting in rehab after becoming millionaires for being at the right place at the right time.

As I was leaving, the salons masseuse was coming in.

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MORE ABOUT THE SEX OLYMPICS

November 13th, 2008 admin

After writing that piece about being hired to emcee this summer’s Sex Olympics, I was asked, “What the fuck does an emcee do?”

I talk a lot. For fund raisers I’m hired to talk on a wireless microphone from the time the first person arrives until the last person leaves. It’s the only way to remind people what they’re there for. At corporate events the same thing – Keep it lively, interactive and motivating.

Emceeing the Sex Olympics will be a lot like emceeing the Midwest Amateur Porn Search; which I’ve emceed the past 3 summers.

I’ll arrive, brush my teeth, brush my hair, plug in my wireless and away I go… I’ll walk the grounds interviewing everyone. I’ll ask the women to flash their breasts for all the gawkers with camera phones. You’d be surprised how many do - for a T-Shirt they’ll never wear. And their boyfriends love it!

And who are the people attending? WEEKEND “FREE THINKERS!” During the week they’re stressed out doctors, teachers, Moms, Dads, Sons, Daughters, plumbers, cops, secretaries, bank tellers, machinists and soccer Moms. In their little free time after work, they’re searching the internet for “secret lifestyle” gatherings. The sexier the gathering the more people attend.

I’ll keep you posted what “secret gatherings” are coming up.

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YOU’RE DOING WHAT?

November 11th, 2008 admin

With the economy tanking and more and more young ladies being fired from their full time jobs, many tittie bars around the country are experiencing a surge of promising new strippers looking for work. While an ailing economy brings fewer customers to local strip clubs, it often will bring out more women willing to give pole dancing a try.

And that is what happened to Michelle. She’s 29 year old and eight weeks ago fired from her accounting job. With a condo, a mortgage, property taxes, college loans, car payments, health club membership, utilities, food, clothing, entertainment, and her addiction to red wine, it was urgent Michelle find work.

I jokingly suggested becoming a stripper. After all, all summer long emceeing biker shows, I’ve gotten to know strippers earning potential - and it’s a lot more than being an accountant.

So Michelle called a strip club sixty miles away from her downtown condo. Most adult entertainers work as independent contractors, meaning they pay club owners a fee to perform and then keep the money they earn from tips and private dances. Because it doesn’t cost club owners extra cash to take on new dancers, club managers lose nothing by adding more women to their dance roster.

Michelle called me today. She just celebrated one month at her new job. She’s still uneasy that she’ll run into someone she knows - but she’s taking home more money than ever before. And it’s cash! None of her friends know she’s dancing naked to support her lifestyle and she’s turned on by the secret. She said she’ll dance 6 more months and then look for another accounting job.

Yea right! That’s as likely as my friend Mal never complaining about his soon-to-be wife Sharron.

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